My Favorite Quotes


Funny
  • "If you fart in the bathroom, that's OK."
    --Antonio Graffagnino, Age 3, trying to understand social norms.

  • "Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil."
    --Emo Philips

  • "First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me."
    --Steve Martin

  • "A bum came up to me saying 'I haven't eaten in two days!' I said, 'You should force yourself!'"
    --Henny Youngman

  • "I wish I could still play t-ball. I would yell out, 'Hey batter batter... there is no santa!'"
    --John Borland

  • "Trying to be positive sucks.'"
    --C.J. Graffagnino

  • "What's another word for Thesaurus?"
    --Steven Wright

  • "I've always said, I like my coffee like I like my men... I don't drink coffee."
    --Ellen DeGeneres

  • "If nobody's pissed off, then you're doing something wrong."
    --Anonymous

  • "Remember: measure twice, then cut your finger."
    --Dan Jordan

  • "Without internet access, I'm just a big meat-bag."
    --Jason Plummer

  • "My dad is the guy who thinks the cocktail waitress likes him."
    --Anonymous

  • "Everyone has a plan 'til they get punched in the mouth."
    --Mike Tyson

  • "I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving. Or, as it's known to Native Americans - Sarcastic You're Welcomesgiving."
    --Stephen Colbert

  • "If you missed Black Friday or Cyber Monday, don't worry - there's still time for you to miss the point of Christmas."
    --Joe Machi

  • "You know what it's like having five kids? Imagine you're drowning. And someone hands you a baby."
    --Jim Gaffigan

Computer Science
  • You can prematurely optimize maintainability, flexibility, security, and robustness just like you can performance.
    --John Carmack

  • All models are wrong, but some are useful.
    --George E.P. Box

  • The most amazing achievement of the computer software industry is its continuing cancellation of the steady and staggering gains made by the computer hardware industry.
    --Henry Petroski

Dr. Huner
  • Click here to see my favorite quotes from Dr. Huner, one of my college professors.

Government
  • "Permit me to issue and control the money of a nation and I care not who makes its laws."
    --Mayer Anselm Rothschild

  • "I am a most unhappy man. I have unwittingly ruined my country. A great industrial nation is controlled by its system of credit. Our system of credit is concentrated. The growth of the nation, therefore, and all our activities are in the hands of a few men. We have come to be one of the worst ruled, one of the most completely controlled and dominated governments in the civilized world. No longer a government by free opinion, no longer a government by conviction and the vote of the majority, but a government by the opinion and duress of a small group of dominant men."
    --President Woodrow Wilson in reference to signing the Federal Reserve Act in 1913

  • For more quotes about the Federal Reserve, see this page. More Americans need to open their eyes to monetary policy!!!

  • "I apprehend no danger to our country from a foreign foe - Our destruction, should it come at all, will be from another quarter. From the inattention of the people to the concerns of their government, from their carelessness and negligence, I must confess that I do apprehend some danger. I fear that they may place too implicit a confidence in their public servants, and fail properly to scrutinize their conduct; that in this way they may be made the dupes of designing men, and become the instruments of their own undoing. Make them intelligent, and they will be vigilant; give them the means of detecting the wrong, and they will apply the remedy."
    --Daniel Webster, Jun 1 1837

  • "Those who expect to reap the blessings of freedom must, like men, undergo the fatigue of supporting it."
    --Thomas Paine

  • "If tyranny and oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy. Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other. War is the parent of armies; from these proceed debts and taxes; and armies, and debts, and taxes are the known instruments for bringing the many under the domination of the few. The loss of liberty at home is to be charged to the provisions against danger, real or imagined, from abroad."
    --James Madison

  • "You and I are told we must choose between a left or right, but I suggest there is no such thing as a left or right. There is only an up or down. Up to man's age-old dream - the maximum of individual freedom consistent with order - or down to the ant heap of totalitarianism. Regardless of their sincerity, their humanitarian motives, those who would sacrifice freedom for security have embarked on this downward path. Plutarch warned, 'The real destroyer of the liberties of the people is he who spreads among them bounties, donations and benefits.'"
    --Ronald Reagan, Oct 27 1964

  • "A free people ought not only to be armed and disciplined, but they should have sufficient arms and ammunition to maintain a status of independence from any who might attempt to abuse them, which would include their own government."
    --George Washington

  • It will be of little avail to the people, that the laws are made by men of their own choice, if the laws be so voluminous that they cannot be read, or so incoherent that they cannot be understood.
    --James Madison

  • Those who deny freedom to others, deserve it not for themselves; and, under a just God, can not long retain it.
    --Abraham Lincoln

  • Government is not reason, it is not eloquence, it is force; like fire, a troublesome servant and a fearful master. Never for a moment should it be left to irresponsible action.
    --George Washington

  • The government is merely a servant -- merely a temporary servant; it cannot be its prerogative to determine what is right and what is wrong, and decide who is a patriot and who isn't. Its function is to obey orders, not originate them.
    --Mark Twain

  • A nation of sheep will beget a government of wolves.
    --Edward R. Murrow

  • All who have meditated on the art of governing mankind have been convinced that the fate of empires depends on the education of youth.
    --Aristotle

  • When fascism comes to America, it will be wrapped in the flag and carrying a cross.
    --Sinclair Lewis

  • The test of courage comes when we are in the minority. The test of tolerance comes when we are in the majority.
    --Ralph W. Sockman

  • Don't take refuge in the false security of consensus, and the feeling that whatever you think, you're bound to be okay because you're in the safely moral majority.
    --Christopher Hitchens

  • Oppression breeds the power to oppose it.
    --Andrew Solomon

  • Historically, the most terrible things - war, genocide, and slavery - have resulted not from disobedience, but from obedience.
    --Howard Zinn

  • Those who do not move, do not notice their chains.
    --Rosa Luxemburg

  • How does something immoral, when done privately, become moral when it is done collectively? Furthermore, does legality establish morality? Slavery was legal; apartheid is legal; Stalinist, Nazi, and Maoist urges were legal. Clearly, the fact of legality does not justify these crimes. Legality, alone, cannot be the talisman of moral people.
    --Walter E. Williams

  • Ignorance and misinformation, if allowed to prevail, handicap this country's security. In a world of complex and continuing problems, in a world full of frustrations and irritations, America's leadership must be guided by the lights of learning and reason -- or else those who confuse rhetoric with reality and the plausible with the possible will gain the popular ascendance with their seemingly swift and simple solutions to every world problem.
    --John F. Kennedy (written but never delivered due to assassination)

Inspirational
  • We must sail sometimes with the wind and sometimes against it - but sail we must, and not drift, nor lie at anchor.
    --Oliver Wendell Holmes

  • The ultimate weakness of violence is that it is a descending spiral, begetting the very thing it seeks to destroy. Instead of diminishing evil, it multiplies it. Through violence you may murder the liar, but you cannot murder the lie, nor establish the truth. Through violence you may murder the hater, but you do not murder hate. In fact, violence merely increases hate. So it goes. Returning violence for violence multiplies violence, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that. Hate multiplies hate, violence multiplies violence, and toughness multiplies toughness in a descending spiral of destruction.... The chain reaction of evil - hate begetting hate, wars producing more wars - must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.
    --Martin Luther King, Jr.

  • A native American boy was talking with his grandfather. "What do you think about the world situation?" he asked.

    The grandfather replied, "I feel two wolves are fighting in my heart. One is full of anger and hatred; The other is full of love, forgiveness and peace."

    "Which one will win?" asked the boy.

    "The one I feed."
    --Unknown

  • A great many people think they are thinking when they are really rearranging their prejudices.
    --Edward R. Murrow

  • If you want to build a ship, don't drum up people to collect wood and don't assign them tasks and work, but rather teach them to long for the endless immensity of the sea.
    --Antoine de Saint-Exupery

  • Your need for acceptance can make you invisible in this world. Risk being seen.
    --Jim Carrey

  • Life is full of many more "third and long" situations than "second and one".
    --Jim "Mattress Mack" McIngvale

  • Maturity: To be able to stick with a job until it is finished; to do one's duty without being supervised; to be able to carry money without spending it; and to be able to bear an injustice without wanting to get even.
    --Ann Landers


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